The Better Me Project

Another week..

2012-01-23T00:22:00.001-08:00

So this morning seems to be starting off ok. I woke up in time, had lemsip for my cold/cough, left the house on time, made it to the train station on time, got my make-up etc done on time, and am now peacefully staring out the window. I should be reviewing workpapers but I can't bring myself to start that yet.

Another long week ahead of me... I am very sad about it. I feel no motivation to work or anything. I'm not sure why. I want to do better at work and have these grand goals of being ultra productive but then never follow through!

Bryan has been on my mind a little this morning. Not sure why, but my mind seems to wander in his direction today. I was telling the roommate last yesterday now I just wanted to spend time with him before I left, and all he wanted to do was shove me away and distance himself from me. It still hurts my heart a lot.

I'm still sick, but I have to say, this weekend was good. I went to a Pilates class and a Hatha yoga class. I ironed, did my groceries, cleaned my room, watched the bachelor with Suzie, went out Saturday night with annaleah, mabe and Alyson, and some of Mabe's Venezuelan friends. We stayed out late and had a good time. We went to a piano bar near charring cross station which was super fun! I had brunch with annaleah at med kitchen yesterday and got the eggs Benedict. So yum. Then I did some work in the afternoon! So happy about that. I talked to mom both Saturday and Sunday. I know that made her happy : )

I hope this is a good week. I hope that I don't miss Bryan and that he slowly makes his way out of my memory and thought process. I hope I get over this anger and vengefulness that I feel towards him. I dont wish him happiness. I don't think I've ever said that before. I hope I am focussed and productive at work and not chatty. I hope I can just sit and get hours of work done, so I don't stress about it anymore. I hope I go to the gym during the week. I hope I go to bed ontime. I hope I feel better and eat better.

Here's to a good week... : )

Frustrating

2012-01-19T23:31:00.001-08:00

Wednesday, January 20th, 2012
7:31am
Angel, London
Pounds away from goal weight: 24

It hasn't been a good last couple of days!

I'm sick. I'm not even sure where this sickness crept up from, but I hate it.

I went to the post office yesterday to mail valentines day cards to my friends, and my dad's birthday card. I procastinated the whole day, and then rushed there 15 minutes before they closed, and then took the stamps from the guy at the counter, pasted them on my 11 envelopes, and then when I went to pay him, I realized that I had left my wallet on my desk in the office. I couldn't just take the envelopes back since they already had stamps for them. So the guy at the counter was super nice, and said that he would pay for them and get them mailed out, and that I could just come back the next day and pay for them. Well.. ofcourse I wasn't supposed to be in London today/tomorrow, but I didn't really have a choice and I went back this morning anyways to pay him back, and came to Watford late.

And.. while I was there, I remember taking my blackberry out and sending an email, and I guess I left it there.

I had such an annoying morning. Just having to go all the way down to the post office today was such a waste of time. They didn't open until 9 am, so I was just really late coming to the client's office. It was raining this morning, and I got a run in my stockings. And I was so upset about my blackberry that I bought a chocolate croissant, and ate it, and am now hating myself.

I randomly remembered something last night about B. Well.. it's not like I don't think about him sporadically. Its really good that he blocked me. Out of sight.. out of mind I guess. I remember that when I had called him on the 30th, he said to me "I haven't been talking to you out of any interest - it was just to manage you".

Wow. Ugh. I feel like that whole episode was just bad. But I feel myself healing on the inside. A lot. A lot more than I would have thought.

A good weekend

2012-01-15T15:32:00.000-08:00

I had a really good and busy weekend. Friday night, I stayed in an watched a movie (Moneyball) with my roommates - it was a nice low key night. I needed that - I was exhausted from my week. The movie was really good - I am surprised at how much I enjoyed a movie about baseball. Lol

Saturday - I went to Borough market http://www.boroughmarket.org.uk/ with my roommate Suzie and her friend, and then walked around. I got paella and bought a salami stick. Then afterwards, we went to Canary Wharf to see some ice sculpture competition thing. There were too many people there and I couldn't see much. I came back home and had a headache and napped for a bit.

Then Saturday night we went to a house party (Thurai's party at his place in Bayswater) and were out until 4:30am. I took Alyson to the party too. Annaleah's friend Robin came to visit her this weekend as a surprise - and they went to Whiskey Mist, and she came to join us at the party afterwards. It was a good party and I had fun. No boys tho. I'm still not ready after Bryan. I've never had anything end so disastrously with so much anger and hate and what not. So currently, I am just jaded and upset about everything, and need to not be with any assholes.
I tried weed for the first time. I had one puff. It had no effect. I don't think I really have any further interest in it really. But I do wonder what I would be like under the influence of weed. Lol.

Today was a good laid back day. Chatted with the roommates, did laundry, cleaned up, wrote valentines day cards to my friends, watched Castle, put pics in picture frames, etc.

Busy season officially starts tomorrow. I hate it. I'm really tired of busy season - and the idea of not having a life for the next two.five months is killing me. I'm dreading it. I am so jealous of all my friends that are no longer having to deal with it =(

Time for bed =) Gnite everyone.

Remembering

2012-01-13T12:01:00.000-08:00

Last year - the year started off horribly. I remember coming back from India after Tejal's wedding and being excited to see Bryan. But right from the start, he picked a fight with me. I remember us having such a big fight that night. I remember getting up from the bar and walking away, and crying. I remember asking him to drop it, but he didn't want to. He was so angry. He just wanted to keep arguing. I remember the next few days just being so sad all the time. I remember all the arguments, all the time, every day. How did I ever put up with it? It was a miserable start to what would become a miserable year.

Looking back - everything about that year was miserable because of Bryan. God - how did I do that to myself for so long? As sad as I am about not having him in my life, he was a destructive and horrible force. He created havoc in my heart.

This year, the start has been better. It's been simple. It started off with spending time with great friends, family and home. It started off being organized at work and at home. With goals for the year, targets to achieve, keeping in touch with old friends, making travel plans, and excitement for the coming year.

I can't wait for 2012 to blow 2011 away. I want to wash away all the hurt of the last year, and I'm so grateful for the start of a new year to mark a beginning to a new chapter in my life.

I hope that I make the most of this year.

Blocked

2012-01-13T09:11:00.000-08:00

Akansha ...
I'm sure I already know the answer to this ... but is he online?
Akinyemi E. O...
Im not going to tell you - I need to stop being an enabler
Akansha. .. please
Akinyemi E. O... nope
as in nope - Im not telling
Akansha Dayal...
this is why i have an akin in my life
Akinyemi E. O...
lol, I try to be the best akin I can be
Akansha Dayal...
so then you can tell me if he's online
it's good when you tell me
i'll explain:
i remember that he's blocked me
Akinyemi E. O...
go on...
Akansha Dayal...
after he picked an argumenet with me over nothing
and then blamed it on me
and gave me a hard time
and it makes me realize he's an asshole
and that i'm better off without him
it reinforced it all
Akinyemi E. O...
that just made no sense
how does me telling you if he's online help you forget him?
Akansha Dayal...
what do u mean?
because i know that he's blocked me
Akinyemi E. O...
oh
Akansha Dayal...
and it reinforces the fact that he's an asshole
oh akin
so young
so much to learn about women
Akinyemi E. O...
Ive concluded that I will never understand what makes you girls think
he is online but away
(I feel like such an enabler)
i'm glad he's blocked me

it makes me remember he's a fucking asshole

Sleepy

2012-01-12T08:32:00.001-08:00

I'm at Hilton and am really struggling to stay focussed and stay awake today.
Every day I ask Akin to check sametime to see if Bryan is online. And almost everyday, he tells me.. yes.. he is. And I realized that he's finally blocked me. Not sure what the big deal is - why am I a teeny little bit upset? I wanted him to block me - and I asked him several times! I have to say though.. it's easier for me not to want to message him if he's not on sametime. However, when I think about it, his anger and rudeness towards me when I talked to him on December 30th really eliminated any option for me to ever reach out to him again. So.. I'm not emailing or texting or calling him, because it's pointless.

Akansha ... is he online?
Akinyemi E. O... yes, but away
Akansha ... still blocked for me...
whatever
i really need to stop checking
Akinyemi E. O... yeah, take him off your sametime list

I still want revenge. But I don't want any superficial revenge. I want him to feel pain in his heart. Because thats what he made me feel.

Irrational?

2012-01-11T16:41:00.000-08:00

Happy

2012-01-11T14:48:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, January 11th, 2012
10:48pm
Angel, London
Pounds away from goal weight: 24

It's been a good week. Its been a really busy week, but a good busy week =)

I got a lot done at work
I am slowly doing organizational stuff like setting up my new iphone
I have been getting into work on time, and not late
I haven't been crying over Bryan or mulling over the sadness that I feel about the whole thing
Sanjay emailed Anusha to tell her that he was going to drop off my coat, and her boss is going to bring it for me

I had planned to do some work tonight, but nothing got done. Oops. I made a cheese and egg scramble, and put it into a sandwich to take to work. yum.

Emailing mom and watching some desperate housewives before bed. Flossed. I did good.

I'm always able to be organizational and productive one night, and then the next night I am exhausted and sleepy and can't get anything done!!

2012-01-10T23:47:00.000-08:00

It's 7:47 am and I need to get my ass in gear and head to the train station asap to make it to work. I'm still drinking my coffee and can't seem to get a move on. =(

Hopefull

2012-01-08T02:59:00.000-08:00

Sunday, January 8th, 2012
11:01am
Angel, London
Pounds away from goal weight: 24

I'm sitting in my kitchen, and I've just finished breakfast. I made eggs with a little cheese, coffee and a slice of toast with raspberry jam. Good start to the day. Annaleah got back this morning - and it was nice to catch up with her. Chatted with Suzie and Annaleah this morning before breakfast. I'm feeling hopeful that today will be a bust productive day! However, the idea of productivity always drains me a little. There is always so much I want to do in a day!

To start off with - I want to:
- Do ironing
- Take out the trash & reclycling
- Go to carphone warehouse to set up my new iphone
- Clean my room & get organized for the week
- Track my weight on weight watchers
- Go to the gym - to set up a personal training session if nothing else.
- Meet Alyson for her birthday
- Catch up with roommates
- Track weight on weight watchers online
- Email my mom
- Maybe try and squeeze in an hour or two of work

Yesterday was the most useless day ever. I felt exhausted by the idea of busy season. I woke up late, napped, and went to bed early. Watched an entire season of weeds. The only thing that I really did was go grocery shopping. Hung out w/ Suzie and chatted. Make a salad from my Williams Sonoma salads cookbook - Salad with warm goat cheese. It was super yum.

I talked to Sanjay last night for about 20 mins. It was so nice to talk to him and he made me feel much better. I talked to him about Bryan for a few minutes, and told him how I was feeling so crappy and that he had taken advantage of me, and manipulated everything to his advantage, and that all I was feeling was vengeful. I just want to avenge myself. Just being able to express myself made me feel better. I know that I will never be able to avenge myself, but I feel grateful to have someone that i can tell him that.

Ok - here's to starting my day!! Wish me luck..

Update as of 1:06 pm:

Done:
- Taken out trash & reclycling
- Updated WW for food consumed this morning
- Cleaned & Organized my room
- Cleaned bathroom
- Emailed mom

Next item on list:
- Ironing. Blah
- Shower
- Go meet Alyson
- Go to carphone warehouse

Update as of 10:47pm:

Done:
- Ironing
- Shower
- Walking around Chelsea/Sloan Square with Alyson
- Carphone warehouse & iphone activation =)
- Setting up breakfast for tomorrow morning

Didn't do:
- Work
- Gym

How does that always happen?

For the first time in a long time, I feel in peace about Bryan.

Productivity

2012-01-05T14:28:00.000-08:00

Thursday, January 5th, 2012
10:29pm
Angel, London
Pounds away from goal weight: 24

I've had 2 extremely productive days at work. Productive days at work make me really happy.
Bryan and I used to have little productivity checks with each other each day - about how productive we'd been. It makes me so sad to think that we won't get to talk anymore.

I don't understand why I'm having such a hard time with this. Am I ever on his mind? Does he ever miss me? Why is it that when he needed someone, I was there for him.. but when I needed someone, then I was needy and clingy? I feel drained from having so much negative energy and negative feelings towards him. I hate him. It feels nice just to be able to say that.

I sat and reviewed a bunch of things for my client today that were long outstanding. I feel good about the spot I'm in now, but know that i have a long road ahead, and lots more to do.

This is just the start of busy season.

Anger

2012-01-04T16:46:00.001-08:00

I have so much anger and hatred towards you for everything that happened. I didn't ask for any of it. I didn't ask to have you in my life. I didn't ask for you to love me. I didn't ask for you to make me love you.

i hate you for letting me believe that you loved me

my heart hurts every day at the way that everything went down. i feel misunderstood and hurt. i feel like you manipulated the entire situation so that you could come out of this unscathed. I feel like you emotionally manipulated and drained me, such that the only way for me to feel now is alone and empty.

Getting settled in

2012-01-03T12:10:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, January 3rd, 2012
8:10pm
Angel, London
Pounds away from goal weight: 24

Well, here is day 2 of blogging. I tried to wake up early, but was unsuccessful. I went into work around 11:15 am. I guess thats better than nothing. Left work around 6:30. I have a lot to do, need to start bucking up!

I have been too lazy to cook anything, and have been having weight watchers meals every night. I haven't started logging my points in yet... I really need to start doing that. It's been about 3 weeks since I've logged points.

I've been having a good time wearing my new shoes =)

A new year, a new me - first post

2012-01-02T14:46:00.000-08:00

Monday, January 2nd, 2012
10:46pm
Angel, London
Pounds away from goal weight: 24

It has been several years since I stopped blogging. I have missed it, and want to start again.
I feel very empty and lost in life, and really want to take an opportunity to turn my life around. I truly believe that in a way, we master our own lives and our own fates. When I look back to a lot of last year, I see warning signs everywhere, and knew when I should have done things right. But I ignored them. I was weak, unfocussed, and in the end, I led to myself getting hurt & disappointed. This is me taking control over my own life and what makes me happy.

I'm starting with a list of what makes me happy, and what makes me sad. So that over this coming year, I can go back, and look at it, and hope that my life and my situation has improved.

What makes me happy right now:
- New unlocked iphone from my dad
- Finally know that Bryan doesn't want to be friends, and am so hopeful that I can put this behind me and start over
- I am so hopeful that this year will be better. I always thought of 11 as being my lucky number, but 2011 was horrible. I feel broken. I need 2012 to be better, and more positive.
- Summer in London and Europe and all the travelling I plan to do soon!
- Anusha's wedding in CT in July. Can't wait to see all my friends soon
- Travelling and blogging. I can't wait to start doing that again.

What makes me sad right now:
- My heart hurts over losing Bryan
- My heart hurts over how terribly everything with him ended.
- I feel lonely and alone. The thing about having someone in your life that you talk to everyday is that it gives you a sense of security and you don't feel lonely. You feel like someone out there is listening to what you have to say. Its amazing.
- I feel overwhelmed by all the work I have to do for busy season. I feel like my team under me is not capable of taking charge and getting work done without me hovering over them. It stresses me out endlessly.
- My new coat is still in NYC w/ Sanjay (as a result of drunken Le Souq night)

I want to look back on this months from now and not feel any of the pain I feel now. I want to read about the hurt that I feel about Bryan, and feel no pain. I don't want to cry or be sad. I want to be indifferent. I can't wait to feel that way.